


Haven

by MidoriEyes



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Adoribull - Freeform, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Haven, M/M, Sex chat, but we love him anyway, haven is a sex chat website, krem is a little shit, midorieyes, sassy chat room banter, the dungeon is a section of the site that caters to bdsm lovers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-10
Updated: 2016-03-25
Packaged: 2018-04-30 23:20:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5183450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidoriEyes/pseuds/MidoriEyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dorian and Bull meet on a sex chat website. They try to get a feel for each other and whether they'd want to meet up IRL. The experience has it's up's and down's...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Dungeon

**Author's Note:**

> Gonna do multiple chapters of different conversation between adoribull and some other characters I'll be throwing in. :) Enjoy!

[ _ **ho tnhorny69 ** has joined  **The Dungeon ** _ ]

 

[ _You both enjoy **BDSM ** _ ]

\-------------------- \--------------------

[ _ **hotn horny69 ** is typing.._ _._ ]

** hotnhorny69**: hey there

** Magic_Man**: Evening.

** hotnhorny69** **:**  so before we go any further i gotta ask

** hotnhorny69** **:**  you a dom?

**Magic_Man** **:**  Straight to the point I see.

** hotnhorny69** **:**  what you're just here to chat?

**Magic_Man** **:**  That is the point of a "chat" room, is it not?

** hotnhorny69** **:**  ok you got me there

** hotnhorny69** **:**  so let's "chat". you a dom or a sub?

**Magic_Man** **:**  Does it matter?

** hotnhorny69** **:**  to some people yeah. my hobbies lean more towards the art of knot-tying and whipping  out the toolbox every now and then

**Magic_Man** **:**  Sounds productive.

** hotnhorny69** **:**  you'd be surprised how much I can get done during your average workday.

[ ** _Magic_Man_ ** _is typing..._ ]

**Magic_Man** **:**  Well, I tend to dabble, if it's all the same to you.

**Magic_Man** **:**  A little in column A, a little in column B...

**Magic_Man** **:**  Column D and S in this case, I suppose.

** hotnhorny69** **:**  a switch huh. i can work with that.

**Magic_Man** : Is that the only question you had for me?

** hotnhorny69** **:**  pretty much. why?

** hotnhorny69** **:**  you trying to land a job?

** hotnhorny69** **:**  "Describe in one sentence what you're able to offer to the sex."

** hotnhorny69** **:**  lol

**Magic_Man** **:**  No request for a face pic or anything that involves photographic evidence of my stunning self and the assets thereof ?

** hotnhorny69** **:**  not really concerned about the packaging, so to speak

** hotnhorny69** **:**  as long as you're game i'm game

**Magic_Man:**  Really. So I could be a one-eyed, wart-infested, humped back abomination and you'd have no problem with that whatsoever?

** hotnhorny69** **:**  hey don't knock it until you try it. i know a one-eyed party who could show you the time of your life, mage boy

[ ** _Magic_Man_ ** _is typing..._ ]

[...]

[ _ **Magic_Man**  is typing..._]

**Magic_Man** **:**  You assume I'm a mage?

** hotnhorny69** **:**  there's not much to assume when your username is "magic man"

**Magic_Man** **:**  I could say the same for you, horny.

** hotnhorny69** **:**  no shame in  being upfront. got kinda tired of flirting around for five minutes only for someone to click the NEXT button once they find out I'm a qunari

**Magic_Man:**  Not unlike my own situation, then.

** hotnhorny69** **:**  a lot of people not into the whole magic thing? thought that'd be pretty popular with the community

**Magic_Man** **:**  You'd think so, but everyone has their limits it seems.

**Magic_Man** **:**  Most of them end up drawing the line at things that materialize out of thin air.

** hotnhorny69** **:**  I bet you could get a hundred and one uses out of those magic fingers of yours, even as a sub

**Magic_Man:**  And how would you know the extent to which my "magic fingers" can be used ?

** hotnhorny69** **:**  well there's really only one way for me to find out right? i've always been a hands-on kind of guy besides

**Magic_Man** **:**  Ahh. Is this the part where you coerce me into meeting up at your sketchy downtown apartment complex, complete with hanging leather sling, flickering lights, and the occasional ruckus from drug addicts shuffling around the hallway?

[ _ **hotn horny69 ** is typing _ ]

** hotnhorny69** **:**  no, but if you want to scene that...

**Magic_Man** **:**  Oh, no roleplaying required. I've lived it.

**Magic_Man** **:**  Believe me, the real thing is much less charming than it sounds.

** hotnhorny69** **:**  damn

** hotnhorny69** **:**  not sure if I'm gonna be able to top that, but I was thinking a bar might be a good middle ground

**Magic_Man** **:**  A public setting? That's certainly a step up from the rest, I'll give you that.

**Magic_Man** **:**  Although, voyeurism isn't a world I've had the chance to fully explore yet.

** hotnhorny69** **:**  LOL

** hotnhorny69:** would you be willing?

** hotnhorny69** **:**  just curious

**Magic_Man:**  Honestly, I'm not quite sure. Rather difficult when you've been kept on a leash most of your life  by overbearing familial expectations.

** hotnhorny69** **:**  well if you're with someone who actually knows how to use a leash it can be quite the freeing experience.

[ _ **Magic_Man ** is typing..._]

** Magic_Man** **:**  Wow.

** hotnhorny69** **:**  what? is that not where we're going?

**Magic_Man** : No, it most certainly was not.

** hotnhorny69** **:**  hey I'm fine with the softer stuff too.

** hotnhorny69** **:**  but I just figured

** hotnhorny69** **:**  with the name of this chat room being The Dungeon and all

** hotnhorny69:**  that you were looking for something a bit more

** hotnhorny69** **:**  liberating

**Magic_Man** : That's a bit contradictory, isn't it?

** hotnhorny69** **:**  depends on how you look at it I guess.

[ _ **M agic_Man ** is typing..._]

** hotnhorny69** **:**  so what'dya say, mage man ? wanna ride the bull ?

[…]

[ _ **Magic_Man ** is typing..._]

**Magic_Man** **:**  I believe you just pushed me right off the other side of the fence with that terrible line of yours.

** hotnhorny69** **:**  aww c'mon it's just a friendly introduction!

** hotnhorny69**: Bull is my name btw. The Iron Bull.

**Magic_Man:**  Is the article really necessary?

** hotnhorny69** **:**  it's pretty well liked in the playroom

**Magic_Man** **:**  Playroom?

** hotnhorny69** **:**  I like to keep the  bed room  separate from the bed games so that subs have a safe place to come to after a session

**Magic_Man** **:**  Hm. Makes sense.

** hotnhorny69** **:**  probably worth mentioning that I'm big on making sure you have everything you need for a good time

** hotnhorny69** **:**  safewords, aftercare gear, the whole shebang

** hotnhorny69:** you wanna stop, we stop. even if I'm ass deep and mid-load

**Magic_Man** **:**  Good to know then.

** hotnhorny69** **:**  I think so

[ _ **Magic_Man**  is typing..._]

**Magic_Man** **:**  Well, this is without a doubt the longest conversation I've ever had with another Haven member before.

** hotnhorny69:** HA!

** hotnhorny69** **:**  this doesn't even hit my top twenty

**Magic_Man:**  ?

** hotnhorny69** **:**  you'd be amazed how many people come on here simply to sext, or vent about their asshole boss at work that day

**Magic_Man** **:**  Yes, well my primal urges tend to trump the literary ones when it comes to sex.

**Magic_Man** **:**  You see, I'd like to think of myself as more of a doer, Bull.

** hotnhorny69** **:**  i'd  like to think about you that way too tbh.

**Magic_Man:**  You don't even know what I look like and you're already having dirty thoughts about me?

** hotnhorny69** **:**  I believe we already covered that whole appearance vs performance issue and why its bullshit?

** hotnhorny69** **:**  I can tell you're hot based on your self-confidence anyway

**Magic_Man** **:**  You gathered that much, huh?

** hotnhorny69** **:**  what can I say?

** hotnhorny69** **:**  it's a gift

[ _ **A classi-Guy **  joined ** The Dungeon**_]

**Magic_Man** **:**  I'm sure.

[ _ **Aclassi -Guy ** is typing... _ ]

**Magic_Man** **:**  Oh. Hi?

** hotnhorny69** **:**  looks like he found me

**Magic_Man** **:**  What??

** Aclassi-Guy** **:**  Chief, which one are you?

** hotnhorny69**: you seriously can't tell?

** Aclassi-Guy:** Idk. Both names sound like something you'd pick.

** hotnhorny69** **:**  you should know me well enough by now Krem that all my usernames have a 69 in them

[ _ **Magic_Man **  is typing..._]

** Aclassi-Guy** **:**  Right. Not like there's fifty-thousand other people on this bloody website who are also mentally ten years old .

**Magic_Man** **:**  Am I missing something here?

** Aclassi-Guy:** Ooo!

** Aclassi-Guy** **:**  Found yourself a catch already, chief?

** Aclassi-Guy** **:**  That was quick.

** hotnhorny69** **:**  Krem

** Aclassi-Guy** **:**  Makers balls your convo goes on forever.

** hotnhorny69** **:**  Krem

** Aclassi-Guy** **:**  Did I interrupt something saucy by chance? That'd be funny as shit.

** hotnhorny69 **  KREM. what are you doing on here.

** Aclassi-Guy** **:**  What d'ya mean?

** hotnhorny69** **:**  I thought you said Haven was complete garbage and vowed to never join another online hook-up site ever again.

** Aclassi-Guy: ** I still stand by that statement.

** hotnhorny69** **:**  then why

** hotnhorny69** **:**  are

** hotnhorny69** **:**  you

** hotnhorny69** **:**  here

[ _ **Aclassi -Guy ** _ _is typing_... ]

** Aclassi-Guy** **:**  Are you kidding? Just because you've decided to take up digital flirting as opposed to going out and actually meeting people like normal single blokes do doesn't mean I'm gonna stop being your wingman.

**Magic_Man** **:**  How touching.

** hotnhorny69** **:**  I appreciate the sentiment Krem, but you're not exactly helping me out here in any way

** Aclassi-Guy:**  Would it help if I told your friend here that Bull has the biggest cock this side of Fereldan  and possibly even the world ?

** Aclassi-Guy** **:**  Not that I've seen it for myself.

** Aclassi-Guy** **:**  Ok so maybe in the locker room at the gym

** Aclassi-Guy** **:**  But that's about as much of the chief that I care to see in my remaining years of life.

** hotnhorny69: ** Krem seriously

**Magic_Man:** An eye witness account. At least I'll somewhat know what to expect.

** Aclassi-Guy** **:**  That's the spirit! I believe my work here is done.

** Aclassi-Guy** **:**  You two play nicely now.

** Aclassi-Guy** **:**  Chief, call me if you need a chaperon at any point. You know I'm always available.

** hotnhorny69** **:**  please leave

** Aclassi-Guy** **:**  And Magic, be good to chief. I'm not above google searching  where you live.

** hotnhorny69** **:**  KREM

** Aclassi-Guy** **:**  Have fun~! <333

[ _ **Aclassi- Guy ** has left **The Dungeon**_ ]

**Magic_Man:**  Well. That was interesting.

** hotnhorny69:** yeah. and it never ends.

**Magic_Man:**  I assume you two are close ?

** hotnhorny69** **:**  be st friends, even. hard to imagine, I know, after all that  hullabaloo

**Magic_Man** **:**  Not as hard as you might think. I have a friend whom I think would get along rather swimmingly with someone like Aclassi -Guy.

** hotnhorny69: ** let's not add fuel to that inferno please

**Magic_Man** **:**  Probably wise.

[…]

[ _ **hotn horny69  **_ _is typing..._ ]

** hotnhorny69** **:**  it never ends

**Magic_Man:**  Hm?

** hotnhorny69** **:**  he just texted me

** hotnhorny69** **:**  "The Dungeon. More like DONEgeon ."

**Magic_Man** **:**  A true comical genius, that one.

** hotnhorny69** **:**  apparently he meant to say that before he left but it came to him a split second too late

** hotnhorny69** **:**  he wants me to make a point of letting you know that

**Magic_Man** **:**  Message received.

** hotnhorny69: **I'm shutting my phone off for the rest of the night

**Magic_Man** **:**  If this Krem is as determined as you say he is, I doubt that will stop him.

** hotnhorny69** **:**  hopefully we'll be far away from him and the rest of the gang before they can track us down

** hotnhorny69** **:**  that is if you still want to meet up

**Magic_Man** **:**  Did I not make myself perfectly clear earlier?

** hotnhorny69** **:**  ???

**Magic_Man** **:**  Go back up and re-read our conversation with your friend.

** hotnhorny69** **:**  ok?

[…]

[ _ **hotn horny69 ** is typing... _ ]

** hotnhorny69** **:**  the part about knowing what to expect of my dick?

** hotnhorny69** **:**  I thought you were just humoring Krem

**Magic_Man** **:**  My sarcasm bleeds into much of my daily speech, it's true , but I would never joke about going home with another man.

** hotnhorny69** **:**  so that's a solid yes?

**Magic_Man** **:**  All my yes's are known for their solidness, dear Bull. That's something you'll quickly learn about me once we're in your "playroom".

** hotnhorny69** **:**  oh FUCK YEAH

** hotnhorny69** **:**   ]:))))

** hotnhorny69** **:**  how about that new bar that just opened up nearby

** hotnhorny69:** sky-something...

**Magic_Man** **:**  Ah yes. I've been curious about that place myself. Apparently, it draws quite the diverse crowd.

** hotnhorny69** **:**  sounds like a plan

** hotnhorny69** **:**  you have a preferred time in mind?

**Magic_Man** **:**  Give me an hour to freshen up, and I'll see you there with bells on.

** hotnhorny69:** should I expect to hear the jingle jangle of your approach?

**Magic_Man** **:**  Oh you'll recognize me, if my dazzling wardrobe and devilishly good looks are anything to go by.

** hotnhorny69:** you think you'll be able to recognize me,  magey ?

**Magic_Man** **:**  First of all, Dorian will suffice. Second, I've seen your profile picture .

** hotnhorny69:** you mean the photo of my back while  I'm flexing?

**Magic_Man:**  I don't think there's any possible way I could mistake muscles like those on any other .

** hotnhorny69** **:**  Lol ! Guess I'll just have to use  a gray faceless icon as a temp until we meet face-to-face.

**Magic_Man:** Maybe you do.

[ ** _Magic_Man_** _is uploading an image_... ]

**Magic_Man** **:**  Maybe you don't.

** hotnhorny69** **:**  oh hot damn! for real?

[Image upload complete!]

[…]

[ _ **hotn horny69 ** _ _is typing_... ]

** hotnhorny69** **:**  NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE.

**Magic_Man** **:**  Yes, I know.

** hotnhorny69:** cuts off right at your lips though

** Magic_Man:**I need to maintain  some element of mystery, don't I?

** hotnhorny69** **:**  which also look really nice btw

** hotnhorny69** **:**  you have the torso of a porn star I hope you realize, Dorian

** hotnhorny69** **:**  not sure we're gonna stick around the bar for too long now that I've seen this preview

**Magic_Man** **:**  Oh stop, you. Why waste all these lovely compliments in text format  when you could shower them upon me  yourself?

** hotnhorny69:** point taken!

** hotnhorny69:** so see you in an hour?

**Magic_Man** **:**  Precisely. Don't be late, Bull.

**Magic_Man** **:**  I'd hate to fall into the arms of another man while you dallied.

** hotn horn y69** **:**  Not if I bring  that leash along.

**Magic_Man** **:**  Promises, promises. ;)

** hotnhorny69:**  ];)

[ _ **Magic_Man ** has left  **The Dungeon ** _ ]

[ _ **hotnh orny69** has left **The Dungeon** _ ]

[…]   


[…]

[…]

[ _ **Aclassi -Guy**has joined **The Dungeon** _ ]

[ _ **Aclassi -Guy** has saved this chat _ ]

[ _ **Aclassi- Guy** has left  **The Dungeon ** _ ]


	2. Autocorrect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bull and Krem converse about the upcoming date with Dorian.

[New message received]

**Chief**

Krem

I got a date

**Kreme Brulee**

Wait you mean the guy from the cat?

Chat*

Stupid phone.

**Chief**

Oohhh yeah. ]:)

**Kreme Brulee**

See? I knew my help would come in handy.

**Chief**

More like meddling

**Kreme Brulee**

So when are you two meeting up?

**Chief**

Tonight

Got about thirty minutes before I head out

**Kreme Brulee**

Please don't tell me you're going to his place.

**Chief**

Nah

We're going to that new bar on hinterland and emerald

**Kreme Brulee**

Skyhold?

**Chief**

That's it!

**Kreme Brulee**

I've been there with the boys. It's a pretty popular joint.

They won an award for best beer selection in modern fereldan magazine.

**Chief**

Sounds like my kind of place

**Krem Brulee**

Does this mystery mage have a name?

**Chief**

.....Not sure if I wanna tell you

**Kreme Brulee**

?

Why not?

**Chief**

I don't want you stalking this one

**Kreme Brulee**

Stalking?????

Chief.

I'm hurt!

I'm merely a concerned friend looking out for your best interest.

**Chief**

By google searching their name, address, date of birth, their favorite color, and the last time they took a shit

**Kreme Brulee**

Hey you gotta admit you're a little too trusting when it comes to sex chief

Remember that incident with the twin redheads and the cinnamon shaker?

**Chief**

I'd rather not

**Kreme Brulee**

Exactly.

I'm not gonna drive you to the hospital in the middle of the bloody night b/c you think your dick is about to burst into flames.

**Chief**

Hey have you ever had cinnamon stuck in your peen?

No you haven't so I'll thank you not to undermine my trauma

**Kreme Brulee**

OMG just call me already! You're using up my data with all this texting.

**Chief**

I can't my speakers fucked up

**Kreme Brulee**

I'm gonna regret asking this but how did you manage that?

**Chief**

I jumped into the park fountain b/c I thought a dog was drowning but it was a fur coat

**Kreme Brulee**

Wow.

I literally can't with you rn.

Ugh whatever just text me when you get to Skyhold. And make sure your phone isn't on silent!

**Chief**

Yes mom

**Kreme Brulee**

** **

**Chief**

Love you too Krem de la creme 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: Live-texting at Skyhold.


	3. Date Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Krem gets the 411 on Bull's meet n' greet with Dorian.

**Text Message**  
**Sat, Nov 14,** 12:00 AM  
  
**Chief**  
I'm here  
You weren't kidding about this place being popular  
  
**Kreme Brulee**  
Well it is a Saturday night.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
**Today** 12:02 AM  
  
**Chief**  
I think I found him. He's sitting at the bar  
Can't see his face tho  
What should I say  
  
**Kreme Brulee**  
Why are you asking me? Just smile and throw one of your flowery pickup lines at him.  
  
**Chief**  
Yeah but he's different from the others I've hooked up with  
Don't wanna scare him off  
  
**Kreme Brulee**  
If you didn't already scare him off in the chat room, then I'm sure it'll be fine. Now quit texting me and go have your date!  
  
**Chief**  
It's not a date Krem  
  
.  
  
.  
  
**Today** 12:23 AM  
  
**Chief**  
Ok so maybe it's a date  
  
**Kreme Brulee**  
What, you haven't had your pants-off-dance-off yet?  
  
**Chief**  
We got to talking and he's a pretty funny guy under all that bluster  
Also super hot  
Like housewife romance novel cover hot  
Except gay  
  
**Kreme Brulee**  
Then WHY are you still talking to me?  
  
**Chief**  
Had to shit  
Stalls are fairly clean  
But apparently this Seggrit guy thinks Varric should "eat a bag of dicks"  
  
**Kreme Brulee**  
That's fascinating, Bull. Now wipe your ass and get back out there.  
  
**Chief**  
I'm gonna change dicks to twixs  
Idiot shouldn't have written it in pencil LOL  
  
.  
  
.  
  
**Today** 12:41 AM  
  
**Chief**  
Omg this guy is adorable  
He does this thing where he acts like he's uninterested but is simultaneously creaming his jeans when I flex for him  
  
**Kreme Brulee**  
Are you texting me in front of him? He's going to think you're not interested.  
  
**Chief**  
Nah he went to "freshen up" or whatever. Think we're getting ready to head out  
Also YOU'RE the one who told me to check in with you  
  
**Kreme Brulee**  
Yeah, as soon as you got there.  
Not once every 10 minutes.  
  
**Chief**  
Hey I'm just letting you know that I'm ok and haven't been burned alive or frozen or electrocuted.  
  
**Kreme Brulee**  
Why would I think any of that?  
  
**Chief**  
PFFT  
C'mon Krem  
We both know you're a lil' racist when it comes to mages  
  
**Kreme Brulee**  
I don't think "racist" is the right term for not liking mages, but the only reason I would ever be prejudice towards a mage is if he was a pompous, hoity-toity, holier-than-thou asshole.  
  
**Chief**  
LOLOLOLOLOL  
  
**Kreme Brulee**  
What????  
  
**Chief**  
You're definitely not gonna like this guy Krem  
  
.  
  
.  
  
**Today** 12:44 AM  
  
**Chief**  
THERE'S A BAR FIGHT BETWEEN A DRUNK ELF AND A DWARF  
  
**Kreme Brulee**  
Umm...  
When did this happen????  
  
**Chief**  
I wish the camera on my phone was working so I could record this shit  
  
**Kreme Brulee**  
Why isn't your camera working?  
  
**Chief**  
Pigeons  
That's all I'm gonna say  
  
.  
  
.  
  
**Today** 12:45 AM  
  
**Chief**  
Omg  
The elf just unbuttoned his shirt, ripped off his corset, and threw it at the dwarf guy  
  
**Kreme Brulee**  
What the actual fuck is going on in that place?!  
  
**Chief**  
I'm coming back here every Saturday  
  
.  
  
.  
  
**Today** 12:46 AM  
  
**Chief**  
They're making out now  
  
**Kreme Brulee**  
Hey maybe you should follow their lead and actually do what you set out to do.  
  
**Chief**  
Dorian's enjoying this just as much as I am  
Maybe even more so  
I think he's getting a little teary-eyed  
So cute  <3  
  
**Kreme Brulee**  
I give up.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
**Today** 1:29 AM  
  
**Chief**  
You missing me yet?  
  
**Kreme Brulee**  
Actually I was having quite an enjoyable reprieve after all that nonsense.  
You guys finally left?  
  
**Chief**  
Yah we're at my place  
I'm waiting for him to get out of the shower  
  
**Kreme Brulee**  
And you're not in there with him?  
  
**Chief**  
He insisted on me staying put  
Idk maybe he's got something planned  
Like lacy underwear  
You know the ones with the little bows  
Or a cock ring he doesn't want me to see yet  
  
**Kreme Brulee**  
Please don't text me back a description of whatever's going on over there, phallic-related or not.  
I'd like to sleep tonight.  
In fact, I'm going to turn off my phone now.  
  
**Chief**  
Aww you're such a party pooper Krem  
  
**Kreme Brulee**  
Night, Chief.  
Have fun.  
  
**Chief**  
I intend to  
]B)  
  
.  
  
.  
  
**Text Message**  
**Sat, Nov 15,** 11:01 AM  
  
**Kreme Brulee**  
Morning.  
Haven't heard from you in a while.  
I trust Magic Man didn't end up roasting or freezing you?  
  
  
**Today** 11:05 AM  
  
**Chief**  
The Bull wasn't too keen on having his rocks be on the rocks, so to speak, but that's not to say there wasn't a bit of heat involved.  
  
**Kreme Brulee**  
...Is he asleep?  
  
**Chief**  
Deeply. I've tried rousing him at least four times and he still refuses to wake.  
Snores like he's trying to launch himself into space.  
  
**Kreme Brulee**  
Sounds about right.  
That's impressive though.  
Wearing him down that much.  
  
**Chief**  
It's a gift. What can I say?  
  
**Kreme Brulee**  
Hey, before I leave you guys to your devices (and I mean that in every possible sense of the word), I have one request.  
  
**Chief**  
And what would that be?  
If this is going to be some sort of shovel talk you can put your concerns to rest.  
I don't expect for this to be anything more than a one time fling.  
  
**Kreme Brulee**  
Lol no. I just wanted you to take a picture of his dumb sleeping face and send it to me.  
  
**Chief**  
Oh...  
  
**Kreme Brulee**  
Chief's a big boy. He doesn't need me to play the overprotective father role, despite all the shit I give him for it.  
  
**Chief**  
Lucky him. If only my father felt the same way.  
  
**Kreme Brulee**  
Wooooooah ok I am not opening that can of worms, dude. Maybe after you've gone on a couple more dates with the big guy.  
  
**Chief**  
I told you, this won't become a recurring thing.  
  
**Kreme Brulee**  
Why haven't you left then? It's almost noon.  
  
**Chief**  
Yes I realize this, but the brute is sleeping on top of my pants and since I WON'T be returning I can't just leave without them.  
  
**Kreme Brulee**  
Idk seems like a good excuse to come back.  
  
**Chief**  
What part of "one night stand" don't you get?  
  
**Kreme Brulee**  
Hey I'm just saying. You've been sitting around texting me from Chief's phone this entire time, you're most likely not even dressed yet, and you've also put your number in his contacts.  
  
**Chief**  
How in Thedas could you possibly know that?  
  
**Kreme Brulee**  
Am I wrong?  
  
**Chief**  
Well nO but  
Ugh  
Bull was right about you.  
  
**Kreme Brulee**  
What, that I'm a handsome little rascal who can win the hearts of many? ;)  
  
**Chief**  
The rascal part was mentioned.  
I'm afraid I must depart.  
  
**Kreme Brulee**  
Wait don't forget to take the picture!  
  
**Chief**  
Yes yes I'll send it to you now.  
Nice meeting you, friend of Bull.  
  
**Kreme Brulee**  
Toodles, Mr. Not-A-Date. Tell the Chief I send my love~  <333  
  
**Chief**  
Pity. His camera isn't working.  
  
**Kreme Brulee**  
Oh yeah, the pigeons...  
  
**Chief**  
Pigeons??  
  
**Kreme Brulee**  
I don't even know, so don't ask.  
  
**Chief**  
Hold on.  
I think I got it to work again.  
Ok here you go.

**Kreme Brulee**  
LOL

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will feature Dorian's POV on the Skyhold date. Also, Felix! :D


	4. Date Night - Revisted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A retelling of the Skyhold date from Dorian's POV.

**Text Message**  
**Sat, Nov 14,**  11:49 PM

**Dorian**  
I've arrived. No horns yet, from what I can see.

**Felix**  
You're 10 minutes early, Dorian.  
Which amazes me tbh.

**Dorian**  
Well I thought showing up early like all the southerners do would be more appropriate.  
But I suppose qunari aren't exactly a southern people.

**Felix**  
The opposite, in fact.

**Dorian**  
Or he stood me up.

**Felix**  
Let's not be too hasty now.

**Dorian**  
Wouldn't be the first.

**Felix**  
Hey, you're there to have a good time, remember? Chill!

**Dorian**  
I'm perfectly chill, Felix. Who wouldn't enjoy sitting alone at a crowded bar surrounded by couples and their $100 bottles of Sunblonde Vint-1?

**Felix**  
Ok just get a drink already before you put this guy off with your woe-is-me spiel.

**Dorian**  
I will as soon as he gets here and buys me one. Common courtesy on a "date", after all.

**Felix**  
Oh so this is a date, is it? B)

**Dorian**  
What else would you call having drinks in a public setting?

**Felix**  
You've had plenty of drinks with me in public settings, Dorian.  
And they were far from any dates I've ever had.

**Dorian**  
Oh shut it, you.

.  
  
.

.

**Today** 12:01 AM

**Dorian**  
I believe he's here.

**Felix**  
See? Told you it'd be fine.  
So what does he look like?

**Dorian**  
Tall. VERY tall.

**Felix**  
As I suspect most qunari are. More details plz?

**Dorian**  
He has very nice biceps. Or maybe it's just the shirt he's wearing?  
I can't imagine how he fits into anything.

**Felix**  
Does he have a six pack like the man of your dreams?

**Dorian**  
We'll find out, won't we? Or rather I will.  
The eye patch is a nice touch.

**Felix**  
Woah. Eye patch??

**Dorian**  
Don't worry, I'm sure it's for appearance. Gives him a nice roguish look, I must say.  
Oh, seems he's finally spotted me. Ta, darling.

**Felix**  
Awww man I wish I could see him.

**Dorian**  
Well here's an over-filtered picture from his Haven profile if you're that curious.

**Felix**  
DAAAAAAAAMN SOOOOOOON.  
GO GET'EM, D!

.

.

.

**Today** 12:22 AM

**Dorian**  
So the eye patch is definitely NOT for appearances.

**Felix**  
WHAT!! It's real?!

**Dorian**  
Apparently, he lost his eye saving his best friend's life.  
How's that for an ice breaker? It'd almost be comical had I a more sadistic sense of humor.

**Felix**  
Holy shit!  
This guy is legit!

**Dorian**  
It would seem so, Dr. Suess. He's actually turning out to be the man I talked to in the chat room.

**Felix**  
For once!

**Dorian**  
Will wonders never cease?  
I'll tell you more later.

**Felix**  
Ask him if he works for the mob!

.

.

.

**Today** 12:42 AM

**Dorian**  
Felix, I'm not quite sure what to make of this one.

**Felix**  
I thought you two were getting along?

**Dorian**  
We are. Frighteningly so.  
We haven't even left the bar.  
We're still here.  
Just talking.  
I'm in the bathroom now, but he's still out there.

**Felix**  
Well if you're that eager, let him know and I'm sure he'd be happy to whisk you away.

**Dorian**  
That's the thing.  
I find I'm enjoying myself just doing… whatever it is we're doing now.

**Felix**  
So wait. You're saying you don't want to fuck this guy?

**Dorian**  
Far from it. I'm going to climb this beast like Jack and the fucking bean stalk.  
But this is nice, too. Perhaps this is what a real date feels like?

**Felix**  
O  
M  
G  
Dorian.

**Dorian**  
What?

**Felix**  
Dorian.  
Dorian.

**Dorian**  
For Andraste's sake, Felix, WHAT???

**Felix**  
You're just.  
The sweetest little cinnamon roll.

**Dorian**  
And what brought this on, pray tell?

**Felix**  
You just are, ok? Don't fight me.  
I've said this to you before and I know it makes you uncomfortable, but you're thoughtful, and you're brilliant, and your ambiguous ethnic blend perfectly represents the dream of the Fereldan melting pot.

**Dorian**  
?????????????  
Felix you have NEVER said that to me.

**Felix**  
Enjoy the rest of your date, my friend. Maker bless, you  
gooey caramel nougat.

**Dorian**  
What the blight has gotten into you????

**Felix**  
Ok, that joke is soooo last year.

.

.

.

**Today** 1:40 AM

**Dorian**  
We're at his place.

**Felix**  
Hey it's been a while! Finally got tired of the crowd?

**Dorian**  
Well, we figured now was as good a time as any.  
Once you've witnessed the passionate and equally bloody discord between a surface dwarf and his inebriated elven drag king lover, everything else just loses its luster.

**Felix**  
…  
We're gonna come back to that later.  
But for now, what are y'all up to? Didn't think you'd be texting me at this stage.

**Dorian**  
I've just finished with my shower.  
Don't worry, you haven't missed anything just yet. I'll be sure to update you on all the juicy details when we meet up tomorrow.

**Felix**  
I'll have my earplugs ready.  
And hey if anything goes sideways, give me a call ok?

**Dorian**  
Oh there will be plenty of sideways and every other which ways to be had tonight, I can assure you, my friend.

**Felix**  
Uh huh.

.

.

.

**Text Message**  
**Sat, Nov 15,**  11:50 AM

**Felix**  
So did D enjoy the D last night? *wink wonk* ;D

**Dorian**  
Good morning to you too.

**Felix**  
It's pretty late in the day, bro. Was it that good?  
Or that bad……???

**Dorian**  
Let's put it this way.  
If I were a dragon, and Bull were a dragon slayer…

**Felix**  
Ok ok I don't need to hear the rest thank you.  
Glad you had a good time. :)

**Dorian**  
The best, in fact. I can safely say that this big snoring brute next to me was by far the best lay I've had in I don't know how long.

**Felix**  
That's something, coming from you.

**Dorian**  
I know.  
I fear the End may be upon us.

**Felix**  
Uhhh not after I just got a clean bill of health.

**Dorian**  
Speaking of which, we're still toasting to that this evening, yes?

**Felix**  
Absolutely! I haven't had a night out on the town in forever. Wonder how much has changed?

**Dorian**  
Everything's exactly the way you left it, save for a few more Starbucks.

**Felix**  
Oh good. I can finally get my tall mocha caramel cappuccino light foam two pumps of raspberry hold the onions please.

**Dorian**  
You jest, but you're always sneaking sips from my coffee whenever the opportunity arises.

**Felix**  
That's not coffee, Dorian. It's a dessert pie shake wishing it were coffee.

.

.

.

**Today**  11:14 AM

**Dorian**  
Just had a lovely conversation with one of Bull's friends via text.

**Felix**  
Oh? Is it the friend he saved from gangsters?

**Dorian**  
I don't know. And must you keep insisting that he's involved with the mafia? Really, Felix.

**Felix**  
What, you wouldn't think it'd be cool?

**Dorian**  
That is entirely beside the point. Anyway, his friend was just checking in on him.

**Felix**  
So basically like me.  
The right hand.

**Dorian**  
Indeed. You two should hook up too, then we can all go on cute little double dates and see who can make the loudest noises from the other room.

**Felix**  
I'll pass, but thanks for thinking of me.

**Dorian**  
You'll have to get out there sometime, you know. Love awaits~

**Felix**  
Once we've got you settled up with this new boyfriend of yours, then we can start worrying about my love life.

**Dorian**  
Who said anything about boyfriends? Makers breath, you're just as bad as that Kreme character.

**Felix**  
Is that the friend? Perhaps we should meet after all...  
>:)

**Dorian**  
What have I unleashed.

**Felix**  
Lol for real tho you should invite them to our get together tonight.

**Dorian**  
Why would I do that?

**Felix**  
Oh come on, Dorian. You obviously had a great time with the guy and you said so yourself that it was fun being on a real date for once.  
Just invite them along, and go with the flow.  
If he declines, no harm done. We'll be the two musketeers, like old times.

**Dorian**  
I suppose…

**Felix**  
Please, Dorian. I need to see the man who has possibly captured your heart. Don't deprive me of this.

**Dorian**  
Oh, such hardship.

**Felix**  
And the answer is?

**Dorian**  
We'll see.

**Felix**  
And that's a YES, ladies and gentlevints! Great, I'll see y'all tonight at 7. Have a lovely afternoon~! :))))))

**Dorian**  
Felix is2g…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, enough with the iphone chats. Time for some steamy online convo. B) Next chapter will be a bit NSFW~ <3
> 
> The drawing of Bull was done by me. [Here is the original post on my tumblr.](http://midorieyes.tumblr.com/post/123615080566/au-where-dorian-is-a-rich-brat-who-lives-in-one-of)


	5. Virtual Meets Reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gettin' hot n heavy in the chat room.
> 
> For five minutes, at least. New record!

[ You've invited **_MagicMan_** to the private chat ]   

\----------------------------------------   

_[ **hotn** **horn** **y69** is typing...] _

**hotn** **horn** **y69** : hey sexy ]B) 

 **MagicMan** **:** Hey yourself. 

 **hotnhorny69** **:** did you get a chance to "detox" like you wanted? 

 **MagicMan** **:** Oh, if only I had gotten to that point. 

 **MagicMan** : I had a number of students contacting me about the school website crashing before they could turn in their essays today. 

 **hotnhorny69** **:** yikes. 

 **MagicMan:** Stupid thing goes down every other week, so you'd think they'd learn by now that waiting until the last minute never pays off. 

 **hotnhorny69** : holy shit you gonna fail them all? 

 **MagicMan** : Unfortunately, no, despite how easy that would make the grading process. 

 **MagicMan** : It's the school's own fault for having a crappy tech department with even crappier equipment, so I've extended the due date just a tad, until the site's back up. 

 **hotnhorny69** : You don't accept emailed work? 

 **MagicMan** : Ha! Any emails from students that have attachments in them are immediately disposed of. 

 **hotnhorny69** : oooo ruthless. 

 **MagicMan** : You would do the same after receiving unidentifiable emails containing nudes under the guise of "extracredit.doc" from seven different students. 

 **hotnhorny69** : FOR REAL?? 

 **hotnhorny69** : DAMN. 

 **MagicMan** : Yes, it's traumatizing. 

 **hotnhorny69** : so none of them were even worth looking at huh 

 **MagicMan** : Just a bunch of poorly lit dick pics and some breasts here and there. Funny thing is, I swear I'd seen one of those penises before on this very website. 

 **hotnhorny69** : ...the school website, or Haven? 

 **MagicMan** : HAVEN, Bull. 

 **hotnhorny69** : just asking! 

 **hotnhorny69** : do you have any idea who it might be? 

 **MagicMan** : Well, the photo quality was a lot better than the others... human, by the looks of it... and it was by no means a small package... 

 **MagicMan** : It's likely to be one of my older students who are taking this course recreationally. I have a handful of those. 

 **hotnhorny69** : so that narrows it down a bit 

 **MagicMan** : Indeed. Anyway, I thought you were going to show me a good time, not delve into my abysmal teaching experiences. 

 **hotnhorny69** : well now you got me hooked on this mystery dick case! 

 **hotnhorny69** : I bet we could find out who he is if you did a little digging and I got Grim to compare student portal and Haven IPN records. 

 **MagicMan** : Bull, this is absolutely NOT happening. Just leave it alone. 

 **hotnhorny69** : oh c'mon, it'll be fun! 

 **MagicMan** : I doubt that very much. Can you imagine how awkward it would be to look into the eyes of one of my students every day, knowing that we might have canoodled on this website at some point? 

 **hotnhorny69** : does anyone even use the word "canoodle" anymore? 

 **MagicMan** : Bull, I will leave this very chat room and try to salvage my detox time if you don't get on with whatever devious agenda you had scheduled for us. 

 **hotnhorny69** : alright alright. 

 **hotnhorny69** : we'll come back to this later. 

 **MagicMan** : Unlikely. 

 **hotnhorny69** : so 

 **hotnhorny69** : are you in your bedroom? 

 **MagicMan** : Yes. 

 **MagicMan** : Shall I begin by describing what I'm wearing this evening? 

 **hotnhorny69** : no need. 

 **hotnhorny69** : i was thinking we could use our web cams. 

 **MagicMan** : Oh. 

 **hotnhorny69** : is that ok? 

_[MagicMan is typing...]_

**MagicMan** : Should be. I mean, we've already seen each other in person, so it's not a big deal, of course. 

 **MagicMan** : I warn you, though, that I don't look quite as HD on camera as I do in life. 

 **hotnhorny69** : join the club. 

 **hotnhorny69** : laptop cameras never do anyone justice. 

 **hotnhorny69** : but even a pixelated Dorian is better than no Dorian at all imo. ];) 

 **MagicMan** : I suppose you're right. Fine, let's do this. 

 **hotnhorny69** : sweeeeeet. 

_[hotnhorny69 wants to video chat]_

_[MagicMan joined the video chat]_

**MagicMan** : Oh dear. 

 **hotnhorny69** : what 

 **hotnhorny69** : got something on my face? 

 **MagicMan** : No. You might want to turn on a lamp or something. That backlighting makes you look like a horned shadow demon. 

 **hotnhorny69** : haha shit yer right hang on a sec 

 **hotnhorny69** : better? 

 **MagicMan** : Much. 

 **hotnhorny69** : yours looks good. 

 **hotnhorny69** : YOU look good. 

 **MagicMan** : Naturally. 

 **hotnhorny69** : awww it's nice to know that you actually smile when I compliment you 

 **MagicMan** : Oh do hush. Wouldn't you rather see my "O" face? 

 **hotnhorny69** : uhhh fuck yeah? 

 **MagicMan** : Then get me in the mood. ;) 

 **MagicMan** : Not sure why I did a smilie when you can see my face. 

 **hotnhorny69** : LOL 

 **hotnhorny69** : alright, you're gonna wanna lay back for me sweetheart. 

 **MagicMan** : Okay, give me a moment. 

 **MagicMan** : Right. What's next? 

 **hotnhorny69** : this isn't an instructional video lol. 

 **hotnhorny69** : just relax. i'll guide you through what I want you to do. 

 **hotnhorny69** : no more typing on your end unless you're not sure about something. 

 **hotnhorny69** : or you want to stop. 

 **hotnhorny69** : got it? 

 **MagicMan** : Guide away. 

 **hotnhorny69** : now

 **hotnhorny69** : start unbuttoning your shirt. 

 **hotnhorny69** : slowly 

_[hotnhorny69 is typing]_

**hotnhorny69** : that's it. 

 **hotnhorny69** : run your hands up and down your chest. 

 **hotnhorny69** : like I did when you were in ropes last week. 

 **hotnhorny69** : for the record, you looked so good in that gold rope. 

 **hotnhorny69** : i had it wrapped around every inch of your body. 

 **hotnhorny69** : and you kept asking me to grab onto it while we fucked. 

 **hotnhorny69** : that was hot as hell. 

_[hotnhorny69 is typing]_

**hotnhorny69** : don't hide your smile, I like that part lol. 

 **hotnhorny69** : i wanna know that you're enjoying this as much as I am. 

 **hotnhorny69** : ok now unbutton those jeans and rub yourself. 

_[MagicMan is typing...]_

**MagicMan** : If you're still typing, how are you going to get anything out of this? 

 **hotnhorny69** : are you kidding? 

 **hotnhorny69** : i'm having the time of my life! 

 **hotnhorny69** : don't worry, I'm getting plenty out of watching you. 

 **hotnhorny69** : that's what it's all about for me. 

 **MagicMan** : If you say so. I do hope you'll join me, though. 

 **hotnhorny69** : you'll have to wait and see. ]B) 

 **hotnhorny69** : i'm pretty good with one-handed typing. 

 **hotnhorny69** : anyway, keep rubbing and spread your legs more. 

 **hotnhorny69** : wait don't pull it out yet. 

 **hotnhorny69** : nice 

 **hotnhorny69** : sorry I know you don't like it when I respond with really non-descript words. 

 **hotnhorny69** : but you're rendering me kinda speechless here. 

 **hotnhorny69** : your face is telling me that you're well aware of this lol. 

_[hotnhorny69 is typing...]_

**hotnhorny69** : ok now 

 **hotnhorny69** : wet your fingers a bit. 

 **hotnhorny69** : you can use lube or your mouth, whatever's handy. 

_[hotnhorny69 is typing...]_

**hotnhorny69** : ohhhhh yes Dorian... 

 **hotnhorny69** : you know what I like ]B) 

 **hotnhorny69** : use that talented tongue of yours. 

 **hotnhorny69** : coat the fourth finger just in case. 

 **hotnhorny69** : we know how eager you get. 

 **hotnhorny69** : damn that's hot. 

 **hotnhorny69** : alright take them out. 

 **pigshit-wankers** : and stick'em straight up ya bumhole 

 **hotnhorny69** : yeah 

 **hotnhorny69** : wait... 

 **pigshit-wankers** : now feel around in there until ya find the pot o gold! 

_[MagicMan is typing...]_

**MagicMan** : I thought this was a PRIVATE chat, Bull?! 

 **hotnhorny69** : it is!! 

 **hotnhorny69** : or at least I thought it was... 

 **pigshit-wankers** : oh shit you mean I found the right one? awesome!!!! >:D 

 **hotnhorny69** : who is this???? 

 **pigshit-wankers** : u know I've been gettin that all night 

 **pigshit-wankers** : I mean what'sa point of these namey things if people r just gonna come out and tell their life story right off yea? 

_[MagicMan is typing...]_

**MagicMan** : I know that poor grammar anywhere. Sera, is that you? 

 **pigshit-wankers** : wassup powderpoof! 8D happy to see me? 

 **MagicMan** : Not at this particular moment in time, no. 

 **MagicMan** : How on earth did you get in this chat? It's supposed to be private! 

 **pigshit-wankers** : uhhh hello? red jenny? lol where YOU been? 

 **hotnhorny69** : isn't that the hacker group that goes around robin-hooding all those big ass corporations? 

 **MagicMan** : The very same. 

 **hotnhorny69** : woahhhh 

 **hotnhorny69** : hey pigshit 

 **hotnhorny69** : nice job sticking it to that corrupt asshole politician from last week 

 **pigshit-wankers** : you mean cornyfetus? 

 **pigshit-wankers** : a right fish-fucking potato douche wad that one. 

 **pigshit-wankers** : bet his mom's proud of those leaks though LOLOLOLOL XDDD 

 **MagicMan** : As charming as ever, Sera. Should have guessed it was you simply by the username. 

 **pigshit-wankers** : good stuff right 

 **pigshit-wankers** : keeps away the nasties who kept tryin to chat me up 

 **pigshit-wankers** : you should see my page too 

 **pigshit-wankers** : "I may be a fat green lima bean, but I got a lot to offer dammit!" 

_[hotnhorny69 is typing...]_

**hotnhorny69** : is that shrek in your profile pic? 

 **MagicMan** : Maker preserve me... 

 **MagicMan** : So if you aren't here to hook up, then why did you make an account in the first place? 

 **hotnhorny69** : is there shady shit going on with haven?  

 **hotnhorny69** : damn Dorian we better find ourselves a new platform... 

 **pigshit-wankers** : nah nothin like that 

 **pigshit-wankers** : ya see I was at blackwall's brewery the other day 

_[pigshit-wankers Is typing...]_

**MagicMan** : Oh no. 

 **pigshit-wankers** : an a lil birdy told him who told varric who told widdle who told me that the big D got some himself some big D recentlyyyyyyy 

 **MagicMan** : Of course. And you just couldn't shake that relentless curiosity of yours, could you. 

 **pigshit-wankers** : you know me fancy britches ;3 

 **MagicMan** : What is it with people breaking into our chats? 

 **hotnhorny69** : i find it kinda touching tbh. 

 **hotnhorny69** : so pigshit 

 **hotnhorny69** : you here to scope me out? 

 **MagicMan** : She has a name, you know. 

 **hotnhorny69** : yeah but pigshit is funnier. 

 **pigshit-wankers** : yea! 

 **MagicMan** : Oh, well pardon me then. 

 **pigshit-wankers** : already checked ya out horny. seem to be an alright guy from what i've dug up so far. ya haven't killed anyone at least.

 **MagicMan** : "At least".

 **hotnhorny69** : lol

 **pigshit-wankers** : woulda given ya the boot already otherwise 

 **hotnhorny69** : the boot? 

 **MagicMan** : She would've banned you from the site and posted your private information all over the internet. 

 **pigshit-wankers** : Don't forget the nudes! 

 **MagicMan** : Yes. Your head would be flawlessly photoshopped onto the bodies of the most unfortunate, unattractive souls in Fereldan. 

 **hotnhorny69** : ...that happen often?

 **MagicMan:** Only if they deserve it.

 **pigshit-wankers:** and most of'em did!!!!!!

 **pigshit-wankers:** >8(((((

 **pigshit-wankers:**  sorry dori but your kinda shite at pickin out the goodies from the baddies

 **MagicMan** : you're*

 **pigshit-wankers** : a whore

 **pigshit-wankers** : who says i can't rhyme

 **pigshit-wankers** : ;P

 **hotnhorny69** : well shit. glad I cleared your security check then! 

 **pigshit-wankers** : yea yea

 **pigshit-wankers** : for now 

 **pigshit-wankers** : B) 

 **MagicMan** : Oh, stop scaring him, Sera. 

 **hotnhorny69** : hey, it's alright, I get it. you got a good friend looking out for you. 

 **hotnhorny69** : she reminds me of Krem a little. 

 **MagicMan** : Krem is slightly more tolerable, I believe. 

 **MagicMan** : Sera, are you still there? 

 **pigshit-wankers** : just readin the juicy bits 

 **pigshit-wankers** : how the fuck ya have any fun when your tip tappin away??? 

 **hotnhorny69** : like I said earlier. i'm very good at being one-handed. 

 **pigshit-wankers** : and one-eyed apparently. ya look damn vicious if I'm bein honest. just like ya women......... woof~ <33

 **MagicMan** : When are you ever NOT honest?

 **pigshit-wankers** : been in plenty o scraps. never lost anythin tho... 

 **pigshit-wankers** : can you IMAGINE 

 **pigshit-wankers** : waddlin around cuz I lost all the toes on one of me feets 

 **pigshit-wankers** : they'd call me 

 **pigshit-wankers** : THE TOELESS WONDER

 **hotnhorny69** : lose the entire leg and you could come up with a fuck ton of cooler nicknames 

 **hotnhorny69** : like Nubs. or Pogostick. 

 **pigshit-wankers** : andraste's flaming bra 

 **Pigshit-wankers** : that's BRILLIANT!!! 8U 

 **MagicMan** : Can we get back to what was happening earlier please? Or shall I retire for tonight? 

 **pigshit-wankers** : hold on dori I think me and your hubby got something here 

 **hotnhorny69** : actually do you mind if I take a rain check, pigshit? Dorian and I did have a previous engagement. 

 **hotnhorny69** : don't want him to get stood up by all this stand-up. 

 **pigshit-wankers** : awww no fun! 

 **hotnhorny69** : we should meet up sometime tho, all three of us. i've only met one of Dorian's friends, and until now I wasn't sure if he had any others. 

 **MagicMan** : Oh, uhhh, fuck you maybe?? 

 **hotnhorny69** : don't worry we'll get to that soon. ];) 

 **pigshit-wanker** : EW LOL NO THX 

 **pigshit-wankers** : i'll just show myself out then XS 

 **pigshit-wankers** : you kiddies have fun <3 

 **pigshit-wankers** : don't do anything I wouldn't 

 **pigshit-wankers** : well 

 **pigshit-wankers** : besides the whole dicks thing 

 **pigshit-wankers** : have at that 

 **MagicMan** : GOODBYE Sera.

 **hotnhorny69** : see ya around pigshit! 

 **pigshit-wankers** : don't rip one during your virtual bj D! ;D 

_[pigshit-wankers has left the private chat]_

**MagicMan** : Thank the lord.

 **hotnhorny69** : that was interesting 

 **hotnhorny69** : and highly entertaining lol 

 **MagicMan** : Well, I can safely say that any mood that existed before this has been completely and utterly obliterated. 

 **MagicMan** : Never thought she'd track me down like that. 

 **hotnhorny69** : she seems like a swell gal. MY questions is, how the fuck did the two of you become friends? 

 **MagicMan** : It's a long story. One that I'd rather save for a later date, if you don't mind. I was promised a good time, was I not? 

 **hotnhorny69** : fair enough. but don’t think you're getting out of this. i gotta know. 

 **MagicMan** : Perhaps after the "virtual BJ" Sera mentioned. 

 **hotnhorny69** : oh I see how it is. so you can wink, but I can't? 

 **MagicMan** : It looks ridiculous when you do it, and you know it. Now, chop-chop. 

 **hotnhorny69** : bossy. 

 **MagicMan** : You like it. <3 

 **hotnhorny69** : you bet. ]B)

_[pigshit-wankers is uploading **dorian** ' **s_orgasm_face.jpg** ]_

_ _

**MagicMan** : DAMMIT SERA.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enter Sera. B) The littlest of (pig) shits.


End file.
